First page of "Titty Beans: The Lou Gherig Story"

Until the morning of June 11th 1904 the shortest duration of pregnancy on record (in which the child survived) had been 6 months and 8 days. On June 11th of 1904 that record was decimated as the spry 13 pound 4 ounce hulking baby frame of Lou Gherig emerged from his mother Esmerelda, in what one orderly who was present described as a look she had only seen once before on safari with her ex-husband and some of his business colleges. Her husband had shot a 26 ton Mountain Elephant from 200 yards away and over the next 2 hours unwavered by it’s obviously near demise the Elephant slowly clawed, gnashed and dragged itself towards the Jeep that carried the Safarists. By the time it reached the vehicle 25 more rounds had been pumped into its mammoth body and with it’s dying breath it managed to disarm one of her husbands colleges and fire 2 rounds into his chest killing him instantly. Monica Chandler, the orderly had not seen that look of desperation before that or in any of the 12 years between these 2 events but as the ravenous baby clawed it’s way face first out of it’s mother’s snatch she swore she heard the faintest whisper of the Mountain Elephants distinct roar of vindication floating on the breeze.

there was nothing unremarkable about the pregnancy and the delivery that followed. Moments after taking his first breath Lou cut his own umbilical chord in an act of self determination and defiance of god’s will that would become his trade mark later in life.

From conception to his first spoken word only a 3 month and 2 week span of time had elapsed. At 6 weeks Lou could dress himself, at 8 weeks he read his first novel and by 10 weeks he could make eggs benedict unsupervised over an open flame. Lou’s parents Plapabo and Esmerelda Gherig could not have been more proud of their son. Over the next year they each had gained a considerable amount of weight as Lou, one by one, took over all of the chores around the house. Plapabo and Esmerelda never saw Lou sleep. Plapabo had seen him in bed only once and by the time he had reached the bed to inspect lou, he found that Lou was no longer in the bed but in the kitchen finishing off a 4th batch of eggs benedict. Esmerelda suspected that Lou took many short “cat naps” throughout the day but no one was ever able to verify this.